The seasons are changing, the weather is growing colder. This morning the frost was very heavy. It seems this all falls right in with things in my life at this moment. I have not blogged for days, not really wanting to, no desire to, knowing I need to get current posts up for what the baby is doing, but no desire. Do we lose desire in our hearts? Do we fall? Yes, I think we do. I have been reading many wonderful spiritual blogs and reflecting. Reflecting on myself, my life, my relationships, and I am not liking my reflection. I am standoffish toward people, not really wanting people to visit, not really wanting to work. Maybe I am tired, maybe I am weary. Mostly trying to figure things out in my head, needing to draw closer to the Lord, seeking him and asking forgiveness and praising him for his blessings that abound.
Life as a mother is a hard life but a wonderful and truly blessed life. You tend to lose yourself as many of you know. There is no time for you, and you do miss that but still love your children. There are always the what ifs, the not knowings, the guilt, the anxiety, the stress, the sleeplessness and worry. Worry is a big player for me. I am a worrier. The Lord teaches us not to worry but I again do not take heed. I find myself struggling every day with household stuff, work, spending time with my husband, with my older son, keeping all things in balance. I am not sure there is a balance. Lately I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with all my duties. Am I trying to do too much. Probably so. I am exhausted by the time the day is up, often forgetting to pray at night or even falling asleep while I pray. Have I learned to just relax, I am trying. Have I learned to trust the Lord that all will be okay, I am trying. You see, I believe the Lord has taken care of us more times than we can imagine. I believe that strongly. I have examples. But still, I find myself worrying about things. I keep telling myself, the Lord's Will will be done. But here I am again, creeping back into this state of mind again. I know the Devil knows my weaknesses and he plays on them. I pray for strength, I pray for guidance. I know the Lord is with me. I seek him. I call out to him. I ask him for forgiveness. I must trust in the Lord with all my might.